Stages

Well, I only just now realized I haven’t written on my blog in over a month. I didn’t realize it had been that long. I’ve had so much going on that I couldn’t seem to get myself to sit down and write here. My astrology friend tells me that I’ve got Pluto squaring my moon and that it pretty much squashes you into dealing with the depths of yourself. Well, I don’t always know how I feel about astrology but I have to say I have definitely felt squashed over the last couple of months and I have definitely had to take stock of myself and my old patterns and my feelings. Luckily today I can laugh while I’m writing this. Somehow what I’ve been going through almost seems amusing today. Why, I have no idea. The last few weeks have been far from amusing.

They say that when a relationship ends it’s never fun. Yeah I get that, but for me it has been torture. This time in particular it hit me hard. I had a feeling it was coming yet I still wasn’t prepared. It wasn’t what I wanted but somehow I knew I had no choice in the matter. I was angry and hurt and was shocked at the barrage of words that came at me when he left. It’s interesting, we think we know who we are and who we are being in any given moment but lately I’ve questioned that. If I know who I am, and think I am really being that, then how can someone interpret me and my actions so differently? Maybe I miss the boat occasionally and do not realize that what seems innocent to me may not be to someone else. To hurt another is the last thing I want to do. Supposedly this Pluto thing has you question yourself. Well, here I am questioning. I know I’m not perfect and I have a feeling my own fears got in my way in this relationship but if I’m not who I think I am then I definitely want to reevaluate.

At one point my astrology friend that told me about the Pluto thing sent me a list of the stages of grief. She thought I might be moving through them. The stages are Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and then Acceptance. Luckily, I don’t think this has been my process at all. I never had denial which is probably good. And I never really got depressed, although intense sadness has certainly come in and out. I’m not sure I ever had the bargaining stage either. I’m not quite sure what that would look like. I guess there was hope, perhaps that counts as bargaining. I don’t know. I do have to say that I definitely hit anger. It took a bit to get to it but at one point it finally set in. I didn’t like feeling angry. I knew it was just taking me away from myself, but for a bit I couldn’t help it. In the end it may have been healthy for me to be angry. I don’t think I had let any of it out and I had things to be angry about. After 4 or 5 days of it though I finally had to do something about it. Knowing I may never get to say anything to him in person I decided to call on the higher self of the man I had been in relationship with. In my minds eye I saw him sitting in front of me on the couch. I took a deep breath then I spilled my guts to him. I told him all I was feeling. Everything that had hurt me, all the things I was angry about and all the things I never got a chance to say. The tears were gushing out of me. The snot was so thick it dripped in huge gobs from my nose. I didn’t care. It was completely cathartic and though it hurt deeply I knew I needed to do it. After I got it all out, all the things I was thankful for also came up and I spoke those as well. I said how grateful I was for all I received and for all that was good. And then I said goodbye. I felt him whish away and then his presence was gone. I continued to cry for quite a bit. After I felt him leave I realized my physical heart was literally aching. It hurt so much it almost made me nervous. I couldn’t stop the crying. I knew I needed to let it pour out. I felt for my poor heart. It just felt broken and it felt like the break was deep and some of it had been there a long time. I took time to really feel my heart. I tried to send it all the love it deserves. I realized I never thanked my heart. Thanked my heart for being there for all of my years, for putting up with the torture and pain I’ve put it through. No matter how much my heart hurt in that moment I was thankful for feeling it. Thankful that I could feel. If my capacity for pain and compassion can hurt that much than hopefully my ability to love is equal or greater.

I finally started to feel better the next day. Then a day or two after that I realized the anger was gone. In its place I actually found some peace and some joy which had been eluding me for a couple of weeks. I even found love again for this man. Even though the sadness is still there it feels good to feel good again and to have positive thoughts about him cross my mind without losing my mind.

So back to the stages, I’m not sure about acceptance. I think the acceptance maybe came first for me. At least acceptance that it was happening. I think I knew I had no choice because it was his choice, but who knows. Maybe I’m in acceptance now? Perhaps. I think I’m ultimately clueless about it all. Maybe that’s accepting it.

In its apropos way the universe sent me an email from the Abraham-hicks website the other day and as always it was perfect timing. Their new video this time around was about getting from grief to joy. What are the odds it would come now? I knew I needed to look at it so I did. They mention in the video that when someone leaves, whether it’s through death or through a lover leaving, that ‘the grief you feel is always you not letting yourself be who you are’. This is definitely something I’m contemplating. They said you ‘miss the feeling of connection that your lover sometimes helped you to make’. This is definitely true for me. I think the connection is what I miss the most. Connection to him, connection to myself, connection to the present moment that I found so often with him. Connection in my life is of great importance. I know it must start with being connected with myself but one of my true joys is connecting with others. I hope that someday I will again have a connection with another that meets or exceeds the one I had with him. Perhaps there is not to grieve but as Abraham recommends to reconnect with myself instead. I have been doing my best at that these last weeks. I think releasing the pain has helped. I have since done the process of talking to the higher self of my former boyfriend again. This time apologizing for my part in things and saying whatever else came to mind that over the last few weeks I’ve wanted to say. It seems to help when I do it. Maybe other people would write it out or do some other process but this one seems to work for me. Perhaps it’s my way of connecting when I can’t in person. It feels closer than journaling, and easier for me. I hope soon that the pain goes away completely. I’m not sure what the future holds but as a friend of mine said it’s time for some sweet happiness for me. I hope so. I would so welcome it with arms open wide.

Life Tapestry

I think that right now many are struggling. Struggling to find themselves, struggling to figure out what’s next, where do they contribute, where does their life matter. Maybe the key is we all matter no matter how much or how little we’re doing. Every interaction we have with another human being matters. Each little encounter, no matter how small, impacts the tapestry of life. Smiling at someone walking past you. Swearing at someone walking past you. Even just ignoring someone walking past you can change everything in an instant. Either for you or for them or perhaps for both.

I know the briefest of smiles can change my day. I was driving along the highway one day. Sort of numb in my life at that moment. I noticed a man on a motorcycle just behind and me to my right. As he came up beside me he turned to me and gave me the biggest grin. He just stared at me and smiled. It lasted only moments but it felt longer than that. There was something so genuine and so pleasant in his smile that it made me smile right back and just completely lightened me. It made me laugh out loud and lifted me up in some way. It stayed with me the rest of the day and I know the smile on my face from that moment influenced all I came in contact with as well. It was like passing on joy throughout the day from one smile to the next. I’m sure that man had no idea the impact he would have on me. I still remember his face to this day and just thinking about it all brings a smile to me even now and this incident happened years ago.

So maybe I’m contributing without trying. I’m sure this man wasn’t trying. He was just being himself in a moment of his own joy on his motorcycle. He passed it along to me and I in turn to others. Perhaps that’s all we’re meant to do. Pass joy on to each other and inspire each other to more joy and more self expression.

Grateful

I have been lucky lately. I have had a number of true moments of happiness. Just pure joy flowing through me. Even in just the simplest of things. It has been nice to feel this. It seems like it’s been a while. I’m not sure what has brought on this new found feeling of bliss. I think it’s perhaps the high after an extended period of pain. When the pain finally lifts and the discomfort is gone we can remember who we truly are. The truth of me perhaps is springing to the surface. I’ve been reaching for this part of me but have had had trouble accessing it lately. It now seems to be flowing much more abundantly. Perhaps I’m a little more present. Perhaps I’m just free of some old burdens. Either way I choose not to question it and just enjoy this time for myself. I am thankful for being able to feel this way. I know it eludes many of us most of the time. It may pass, but for now I’m soaking in every drenching moment that I can, basking in the beauty of being in this life. I am grateful.

Still Standing

I’ve been going through a lot lately. What else is new? Faced with monumental decisions and questioning my own beingness I’ve managed to grow, falter, completely fall on my face, pick myself back up again and in the end survive it all. Sometimes I can’t believe it. I can’t believe I’m still standing. At moments I thought the emotions would take me over and I’d be gone for good. Lost in the abyss of something I have no control over.

The other night I came in the door of my apartment and could barely make it past the entry way before falling to the floor barely able to breathe through the hyper-ventilations and the tears. I was overwhelmed with feeling and could do nothing to stop it. It was painful and wrenching, slightly terrifying and yet ultimately what needed to happen. I think it came from deep in my soul. A fear perhaps or a terror that before this moment was yet unexpressed. It needed to come out of me. I wasn’t happy about it yet felt I had no choice. I was frightened by the pain in my chest and the feeling of barely being able to catch my breath. The sobs rolled out of me with a deep resounding sound that sounded like someone else. I couldn’t focus on anything. Finally at some point my breath returned and I thought it might be over. The tears were subsiding and I seemed to be able to grasp where I was. This moment of respite did not last long. I had barely managed to stand up and make my way into the kitchen to put my groceries away when the feelings took me over again. Swooping down on me like a hoard of vultures. I felt slightly insane and uncharacteristically lost and alone. I called everyone I knew and no one answered. I felt like I needed to touch base with reality. Touch base with another human being to calm my fears and help pull me out of the abyss I was floating in. No one seemed to be there. I don’t know that I even knew what I was afraid of. I only knew I was having trouble facing this experience on my own. Eventually I reached my mother. She managed to catch me and bring me back to my sanity. I think just the comfort of another voice who cared reminded me of who I really was and that I was ok. Although my mother and I have not always seen eye to eye in the past she and I have grown to have a great love and appreciation for each other and at this point in my life I’m not sure what I’d do with out her. She was the perfect person for me to reach that evening. Of this I have no doubt. She said the things I needed to hear and it allowed for the healing of my own demons that evening as well as for more healing between she and I. I am truly grateful for her presence in my life.

My journey on this evening from intense pain to greater clarity was necessary for purging something deep within me. I seem to have come full circle in a pattern that I have created more than once in my life. I’m hoping this is the last time that I will create this experience. I hope the lesson is learned and the healing is complete. I’m still standing and I’m still loving myself. That has not always been the case in the past. I have a feeling I’ve put myself through a little more self torture than was necessary but I think I finally got the message. I’ve been reading Byron Katie’s book “A Thousand Names for Joy” lately and in the first chapter she says ‘Everything happens for you, not to you.’ This has been a good reminder for me. I know that all I’ve been through the past few weeks has been for me. An opportunity to figure out what I truly want, who I truly am and to trust my own process. I’ve had to dig deep and trust myself in a way I don’t think I have before. I’ve had to find true love. Love for myself, love for others and love for the process of life. It has been a challenging journey but a rewarding one in the end. I’m still not quite out of the woods but I’m working on it. The emotions still flood in unexpectedly but I allow myself to feel them and let the fear go knowing all along this is still an opportunity for me. How much more can I love?

Spontaneous Writing Pt. 3

Let yourselves go. Let yourselves connect to the flow. Now is a time of great awakening. If you allow yourself to step into the current your life will explode with abundance and joy. New ideas will be known to you. You will resonate with the divine. All will be well. To avoid the current brings restlessness and lack of ease. Life will not flow. It is alright but it is not easy. Allow. Allow. Allow.

It is not easy to accept these changes coming so fast. It is necessary and complete. There is no going back. Forward is the only way. The choice is yours as to how, comfort or no. Find your way inward and ease will follow. Allow yourself to be guided. Trust in your instincts. They will guide you well. Where there is joy there is right choice. All else will dull you and make you miss the mark.